What do you think about my essay?

TarekElsakka · 06-17-2009, 08:31 AM

Differences between women 100+ years ago and today:

Freedom is the key to the changes over the years. Women back then had limited rights, restricted freedom, and were typically considered housewives. It isn’t only women that changed over the years, almost everything and everyone else did. There was a theory that women were weaker than men, both physically and mentally, but that was proven wrong over the years, obviously. I haven’t heard of any women with important social positions back in the days, that is my belief, but I don’t have facts to support that so that’s just an unimportant thought.

There was dreadfully limited freedom back in the days, the government had control of everything, and only certain people had the right to even have a say in what’s going on. Some countries are still like that, communist ones to be precise, like China and North Korea, to name a couple, but of course that doesn’t happen in Democratic countries. In a Democratic country, everyone has the right to say – freedom of speech, vote in governmental elections, protest for change, and so on.

Women had limited rights a hundred years ago. They were offered a few jobs to work in, not a lot of places to go to, no voting rights, and a lot of them couldn’t wear clothes like today – daisy dukes, shirts, shorts, etc. – but they were classy, if one can call it that. They used to wear long dresses and one or two formal hairstyles. I’m not trying to generalize here but almost all of them were devout – I’m not saying they aren’t nowadays, but as I said, a lot has changed over the years.

Women were thought of as housewives, mothers, and probably nurses to take care of the elders. Even education wasn’t given to them as much as it was given to men, of course due to limited rights. For a brief history fact, the 1870 US Census was the first to count “Females engaged in each occupation” and provides an intriguing snapshot of women's history. It reveals that, contrary to popular belief, not all American women of the Victorian period were either idle in their middle class homes or working in sweatshops. Women were 15% of the total work force (1.8 million out of 12.5). They made up one-third of factory “operatives,” to be sure, but teaching and the more gentle occupations of dressmaking, millinery, and tailoring played a larger role. Two-thirds of teachers were women. And they could be found in such unexpected places as iron and steel works (495), mines (46), sawmills (35), oil wells and refineries (40), gas works (4), and charcoal kilns (5) and held such surprising jobs as ship rigger (16), teamster (196), turpentine laborer (185), brass founder/worker (102), shingle and lathe maker (84), stock-herder (45), gun and locksmith (33), hunter and trapper (2). There were five lawyers, 24 dentists, and 2,000 doctors.

There was a theory that women are weaker than men, both physically and mentally, and that’s another reason why they weren’t offered numerous jobs thinking they wouldn’t do good in them. Not only men thought so, but also even women were convinced of and believed in that, sadly. A woman couldn’t work in a factory, political position, or even as a taxi driver – which in that case was probably a horse cart. You don’t see many female taxi drivers nowadays either but at least they have the right to.
Equality between men and women did not take place back then, and of course that depressed a minority of the females, but not the majority. For a brief history fact, in the UK, the Feminism movement began in the 1800s and continues in the present day. In the early 20th century, Simone de Beauvoir wrote a detailed analysis of women's oppression. In the late 1960s and early 1970s, feminist movements, such as the one in the United States substantially changed the condition of women in the Western world. The trigger for the revolution was the development of the birth control pill in 1960, which gave women access to easy and reliable contraception.

What I had discussed in this essay is just a glance of the condition of women back then, but gladly, all that changed over the years and of course to the better. In some countries like the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia (KSA), women still have quite limited rights. They can’t vote, there aren’t many jobs available to them, they can’t protest, and they aren’t even allowed to drive. I’m a man and I find that not fair at all, but there’s nothing any of us can do about it so let’s hope that changes in the near future. For a funny quote, “Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily this is not difficult” said Charlotte Whitton, Canada Month, June 1963.

I just started the summer course and that's the first essay. I wrote it in about ten minutes and it was in the early morning, didn't have a lot on my mind so I just wrote that. If there are bad paragraphs or sentences let me know, maybe I can improve them. Thanks.

The Apple · 06-17-2009, 09:27 PM

And you wrote this essay? You should make your posts essays from now on.

TarekElsakka · 06-18-2009, 12:20 AM

Yes, I wrote it. Except for the two historical facts I mentioned, those were taken from wikipedia. My posts are awesome.

patrickj · 06-18-2009, 12:39 AM

Tarek - I don't know what the criteria is for how this essay is supposed to be done, but I have a few general points for your consideration:

-- I think it would benefit from more structure, it feels a little rambling to me at the moment. Maybe grouping it into sections would help - in making it easier to read, and in getting your thoughts across. Sections could be things like: Where Have We Seen The Biggest Changes, How Things Were Then, Where We Are Now - or whatever headings make sense to you.

-- I think some of your wording feels too 'loose' - using phrases like 'back then' and 'back in the days'. Seems like you might want to be more specific.

-- Your first paragraph ends by saying the last sentence is an unimportant point - if that's the case, just cut the sentence, don't leave it in and announce that.

-- Go over your grammar carefully. It's patchy right now. Just one quick example - in the last paragraph, you say 'What I had discussed in this essay ...' - it should be 'What I *have* discussed.

I think it's a good first draft, but feels like you may have rushed it. Go back over it carefully, structure your thoughts a bit more, and polish it a bit.

That's my .02 for now.