something that i need to share.

[themanofthedark]

i need an opinion.

i have a really good friend, carissa
i really like carissa, because she is maybe the nicest person i have ever met in my life, and she is just... amazing. and also, she is amazingly pretty, and has amazing eyes..

anyways, i met her in the beginning of the year, and then moved out of her class, because the teacher hated me, and then, around the middle of the year, i went out with this girl who i really liked, and then the relationship ended, and i fell into a depression. in about a month, when i was more or less back on my feet, i started talking carissa again, and then we started hanging out, and i realized i was in love with her. and i was sure it was love, rather than lust, because i had just been taught the difference between the two, on my arms.

later in the year, all my friends realized i really liked carissa and they urged me to ask her out, whcih i was terribly afraid to do, because although i thought that she liked me back, you can never be sure, but then i finally gathered the courage to do said task.

she said she would rather be "just friends" and.. all this you know already.

later, i fell into a deep depression and i once again, began cutting.
she couldnt figure out why, and i couldnt tell her it was because of her.

anyways, much later, we one got high together, and i was with her, and i found an edge razor in my wallet, and we sat on the bench, and the next thing i remember was her yelling my name and telling me to stop, and i looked upon my arm, and i had already carved i love car into my arm.

thats when i really hit bottom.

i began to miss a lot of classes, and i started drinking a lot, and smoking a lot too, and i simply couldnt imagine life any further. i basically fucked myself in english, math and physics, although i know all three of them better than most in those classes.

enter two excellent friends of mine...

tara is an outed lesbian, and she once told me that although she liked carissa, she wouldnt go for it, because she knew that that would completely destroy me.

Jillian is a past cutter, and between the three of us, (carissa, jillian and myself) we all swore to each other to not cut anymore, and i have kept that promise.

soon thereafter, tara went into rehab for drinking and blazing, and when she came back, she didnt tell me, and instead invited sasha to her house.

later that night, she IMs me, and im happy to talk to her, because ii havent talked to her or seen her in a month, but she is solemn, for some reason, and says "Sam i have to tell you something"
my internet freezes up
and when i return, i say naturally sorry my internet died, and the first thing she says was
Sam im going out with carissa

that destroyed me completely.

i just sat there for about an hour, staring into the screen, watching shit come from her end, not being able to take it at all...

but i dont know what to do.

jillian is telling me to be happy for carissa, that carissa is finally happy, and i am happy for carissa but...

there is more.

Tara has had 5 different girlfriends in the past school years, and although she is one of my best friends, i know this for a fact - she uses people. and then she starts cheating on them. the last two girlfriends that she had were very close friends of mine, and tara cheated on BOTH of them, and tara repeated to me many times (with both of those other two girls that were my close friends) that this was it, she wouldnt do anything like that anymore, she would be commited this time... but nevertheless, the same shit continued....

i dont know what to do or say, i have written so many poems about my life, but the last 5 or 6 have been all about my depression.


and heres another thing that keeps reminding me of this.

everytime i log onto facebook, i see some message like "OMG ILY <333' from both of them to each other (those familiar with facebook will know what i mean) and i dont really feel anything anymore.


i dunno why i posted this.

but hey, if someone answers ill be happy..

[psylichon]

Sam, you make Hayes' problems look downright elementary.

This is saying a lot.

My only advice is to stop glamorizing cutting (you know you're doing it, even if you think you aren't) and start being yourself.

You're smarter than all of this crap combined. Use that wisdom and get out of the hole.

p.s. - i missed you.

[divabimbers]

Hang in there, Sam. I've come to realize that sometimes s*** happens for a reason though we don't always understand it. I've dealt with stuff that was too painful as well but I can tell you from experience, it DOES get better even if it sounds utterly cliche'd. Hugs if you want 'em.

[free2rhyme590]

I realized at my age, its not worth the pain and depression of falling in love... Honestly, we have a lot of time for that... But right now... We should just have fun and live life... YOU need to focus on what matters... EDUCATION,TRUE FRIENDS,AND FAMILY...and most importantly, YOURSELF... there's someone out there for you... I'm sure you're a great and intelligent guy... And you deserve someone who will appreciate you for you... And one day you will find her without even looking

[iphoneconnie]

Sam, I'm sorry for what you are going through, but please stop cutting, I know it's hard to deal sometimes, life can suck sometimes, my beautiful 25 year old cousin was murdered by some loser for no good reason, someone shot my cat for no good reason, someone left me years ago for no good reason, if I gave in to all that hurt I wouldn't be here today. Trust me from personal experience, the bad things we go through later on down the road will make us stronger, you grow from those experiences. Life can suck yes, but then something beautiful comes walking in when you least expect it and then you have to think, geez what was I thinking when I wanted to give up on life, I wouldn't be in this awesome situation You might not relate to this yet but trust me one day you can look into a little babies eyes that maybe part of you and be so amazed at the beauty life has too, there is good out of life along side the bad. So have some hope Sam. One day you will see, you are young, I know you probably think its easy for me to say this to you while you are feeling like hell but trust me please, I have been to hell too, life will get better. Keep that hope. And sometimes be careful who you have as friends, if it causes negativity in your life, they are not worth it. I wish you the best. But please stop cutting it won't solve anything. It's hard to roll through the punches of life sometimes but you gotta try cause you don't know what awesomeness can be just around the corner.

[iCafe]

1-800-dont cut

[Eragon]

Sam,

Nothing we say can take the hurt away. As parents, we try to anticipate the hurt that can become our children. Unfortunately, we can't prepare for every contingency. In the end, we have to let our loved ones get hurt, learn from the experiences, and get them back up again.

The cycle never stops. Even as adults. It is the nature of being a human. But, don't let pain or fear of rejection harden your emotions. Learn to recognize your strenghths and shore up your weaknesses.

Your greatest strength is your ability to make friends and communicate. Never leave pain or anger bottled up. I hope you will know that there are many "strangers" here in this forum who would like nothing else than to call you their friend.

Me included.

[Lincoln]

Plus one to everything said above. Sam, you do need to stop cutting; this will definitely help greatly; just be yourself. You need to move on and find the one person that is for you, even if you can't find them right now. Like Dave said, you're smarter than this. You can get out of it. Hang in there.

[Hondamaker]

Originally Posted by psylichon

Sam, you make Hayes' problems look downright elementary.

This is saying a lot.

My only advice is to stop glamorizing cutting (you know you're doing it, even if you think you aren't) and start being yourself.

You're smarter than all of this crap combined. Use that wisdom and get out of the hole.

p.s. - i missed you.

Ditto...I was gonna write basically the same thing (especially the part about Hayes)
Sam, my brother, you really need to talk to someone professionally. I hate to see you harm yourself like that---your compulsion is overriding your intelligence! Find some positive influences to get you into 'happy' mode.
I know you'll find a way out of hole, I have faith in you.

[iphoneconnie]

Originally Posted by Hondamaker

-your compulsion is overriding your intelligence!

Well said.