Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Maryland
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Quote:
Originally Posted by themanofthedark
i need an opinion.
i have a really good friend, carissa
i really like carissa, because she is maybe the nicest person i have ever met in my life, and she is just... amazing. and also, she is amazingly pretty, and has amazing eyes..
anyways, i met her in the beginning of the year, and then moved out of her class, because the teacher hated me, and then, around the middle of the year, i went out with this girl who i really liked, and then the relationship ended, and i fell into a depression. in about a month, when i was more or less back on my feet, i started talking carissa again, and then we started hanging out, and i realized i was in love with her. and i was sure it was love, rather than lust, because i had just been taught the difference between the two, on my arms.
later in the year, all my friends realized i really liked carissa and they urged me to ask her out, whcih i was terribly afraid to do, because although i thought that she liked me back, you can never be sure, but then i finally gathered the courage to do said task.
she said she would rather be "just friends" and.. all this you know already.
later, i fell into a deep depression and i once again, began cutting.
she couldnt figure out why, and i couldnt tell her it was because of her.
anyways, much later, we one got high together, and i was with her, and i found an edge razor in my wallet, and we sat on the bench, and the next thing i remember was her yelling my name and telling me to stop, and i looked upon my arm, and i had already carved i love car into my arm.
thats when i really hit bottom.
i began to miss a lot of classes, and i started drinking a lot, and smoking a lot too, and i simply couldnt imagine life any further. i basically fucked myself in english, math and physics, although i know all three of them better than most in those classes.
enter two excellent friends of mine...
tara is an outed lesbian, and she once told me that although she liked carissa, she wouldnt go for it, because she knew that that would completely destroy me.
Jillian is a past cutter, and between the three of us, (carissa, jillian and myself) we all swore to each other to not cut anymore, and i have kept that promise.
soon thereafter, tara went into rehab for drinking and blazing, and when she came back, she didnt tell me, and instead invited sasha to her house.
later that night, she IMs me, and im happy to talk to her, because ii havent talked to her or seen her in a month, but she is solemn, for some reason, and says "Sam i have to tell you something"
my internet freezes up
and when i return, i say naturally sorry my internet died, and the first thing she says was
Sam im going out with carissa
that destroyed me completely.
i just sat there for about an hour, staring into the screen, watching shit come from her end, not being able to take it at all...
but i dont know what to do.
jillian is telling me to be happy for carissa, that carissa is finally happy, and i am happy for carissa but...
there is more.
Tara has had 5 different girlfriends in the past school years, and although she is one of my best friends, i know this for a fact - she uses people. and then she starts cheating on them. the last two girlfriends that she had were very close friends of mine, and tara cheated on BOTH of them, and tara repeated to me many times (with both of those other two girls that were my close friends) that this was it, she wouldnt do anything like that anymore, she would be commited this time... but nevertheless, the same shit continued....
i dont know what to do or say, i have written so many poems about my life, but the last 5 or 6 have been all about my depression.
and heres another thing that keeps reminding me of this.
everytime i log onto facebook, i see some message like "OMG ILY <333' from both of them to each other (those familiar with facebook will know what i mean) and i dont really feel anything anymore.
i dunno why i posted this.
but hey, if someone answers ill be happy..
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Sam,
I don't know you very well, but I hope I can help.
I felt the same way about some girl last year, and eventually went out with her. She had a previous bf who was abusive and used people. She cutted, and was diagnosed with depression. I tried to help out with her problems, but as a result, I became emotionally distant. I still had feelings, but because she focused so much on the past, I felt she didn't feel the same. We broke up, and it really did mess me up.
Point of this story is, I realized what I had done for myself. For this short-termed relationship, I threw away my grades, my friends, my life. And it wasn't worth it. Sure, I still had feelings for this girl, but now when it doesn't matter, I was left hanging, with no support.
Sam, first and foremost, you have to quit cutting...I know it seems like provides relief, but it hurts more than helps. Drinking, smoking, all these things, they are going to hurt you man. I myself would not watch a friend go down such a road, and I am not going to let it happen to you man! If you get your act together, become more presentable, your going to feel better. Your a smart, creative guy. You help people on EIC with their problems. By getting your act together, your definetly going have a better chance with carissa. And, if this Tara character is really how you say she is, her time with Carissa will be short. Go to Carissa. Tell her about Tara, not as someone in love, but as a friend. Make sure she knows what she is about to go through. And if Carissa makes the mistake of remaining, who do you think will be the one who is there for her in the end? 
Find a purpose, a goal. And make that your priority right now. I say getting your life together. And don't stop to think until that goal is done. Because life is easier if you feel like you have a purpose! Good luck man, I want to hear an update!
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07-19-2008, 03:24 AM
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