The Official Jokes Thread

[TarekElsakka]

So I thought since there's is no official one, I should start it.

Let me start..

Two Women have just arrived in Heaven and are chatting at the Pearly Gates.

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! My name is Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. Instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and I finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer........we'd both still be alive!!

----------------------------

A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlikeEnglish, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class Into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your money on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that had you waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.

The women won!!!

----------------------------------

Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months.
Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as
he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him.
She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through
all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went
under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you
stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
"And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."

--------------------------

I THINK YOU ARE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he

knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies,

'I think you're the father of one of my kids. '

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I
made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher

-----------------------

I love this Doctor!!!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life, is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer, that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grains. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a big stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO, Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!



Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an atractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'


AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4 The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

--------------------------

Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors' daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors' daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increas ingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

--------------------------------


Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine... Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,

WALTER

------------------------

When I read this I immediately thought of some of my friends
and their health.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would
have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) bacteria
found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey or
other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of
boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to
drink water and be full of sh*t.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service & because I care for my fellow pirates.

Your turn..

[TarekElsakka]

http://img257.imageshack.us/img257/2276/baddayjj9.jpg

---------

Two guys were picked up by the cops for selling drugs and appeared in court before the judge. They were well behaved and did their best to give a good impression.

The judge said, "You both seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and persuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one:

"How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever. And they did."

"10 people? That's wonderful! What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. He turns to the 2nd guy "And you, how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 50 people to give up drugs forever."

"50 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your *sshole before prison... and if you don't stop drugs... this big circle..."

-----------------

http://img174.imageshack.us/img174/1692/862illusionqa0.jpg

http://i231.photobucket.com/albums/ee98/ankur_jain/image001.gif

http://i189.photobucket.com/albums/z110/jackyliu91/6578.jpg

-----------------

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office.

She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too!"

------------------------

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when

God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy eventually calms down and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again."


NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE, BE HAPPY!

---------------------

I walked into a sports bar Down in Ala. around
9:58 PM. I sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge
of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Me and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'
I said, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'
The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'
I placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're
on!


Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the
guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to
Me, saying, Fair's fair. Here's your money.'
I replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this
earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump.'

The blond replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'

------------------

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.
She knocked on the door
then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
What are you doing?" she asked.
I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work." The daughter-in-law answered
But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed
This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
Justin loves me to wear this dress," she explained.
everytime he see's me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed,showered put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic cd,and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
What are you doing?" he asked.
This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

Needs ironing." he said. "What's for dinner?"

----------------------

http://i189.photobucket.com/albums/z110/jackyliu91/speed-limit.jpg

---------------------

Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked, "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?"Looking over her carefully, Luke replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Luke interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

---------------------

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.
The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.
The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

[TarekElsakka]

A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut through a graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunk fails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries to climb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turned the dirt to mud and has made it too slippery to climb. He gives up after a while and decides to spend the night there.
A while later, another drunk leaves the same bar and
decides to take the same shortcut through the graveyard. He, too, falls into that open grave and tries to climb out but the mud is too slippery. The first drunk is still sitting there and watches as the other drunk tries but fails to get out. The first drunk stands up, taps the second drunk on the shoulder and tells him, "You'll never get out!".
He did.

What's the answer? I don't know it.

--------------

http://img299.imageshack.us/img299/243/fukitoljr9.jpg

--------------

Thirteen year old trying to steal a steam account gets owned badly:

br0kenrabbit says:
hi

Greg_ValveOLS says:
good evening

br0kenrabbit says:
What's ip?

br0kenrabbit says:
up?

Greg_ValveOLS says:
my name is greg a member of the valve online Support team

br0kenrabbit says:
On MSN?

Greg_ValveOLS says:
yes

br0kenrabbit says:
Why?

Greg_ValveOLS says:
we logged multiple ips from your account and ned to verifi your information

br0kenrabbit says:
My information?

Greg_ValveOLS says:
we believe someone may have stolen your account mmmm you havent shared youre account infomation with anyone have you?

br0kenrabbit says:
No. I don't even have it written down.

Greg_ValveOLS says:
hmmm maybe a keylogger on you r PC then maybe you need a format?

br0kenrabbit says:
Well...

Greg_ValveOLS says:
if you can verify your account information to me i can insure that only your ip have access to it Its a new security feature were trying because this happens so muchlogin names and passwords aint safe anymroe You know. L

br0kenrabbit says:
Well

Greg_ValveOLS says:
dont worry this connect it secure

br0kenrabbit says:
Can I be honest with you, Greg?

Greg_ValveOLS says:
k

br0kenrabbit says:
Look, I don't know how you go this MSN account name, don't really care, either.

br0kenrabbit says:
Unlike you, I DO work for Valve. Trace my ip and you'll see.

Greg_ValveOLS says:
huh?

Greg_ValveOLS says:
bs

br0kenrabbit says:
Trace it.

Greg_ValveOLS says:
how

br0kenrabbit says:
Start/run/cmd type Tracert and then my IP address and hit enter.

Greg_ValveOLS says:
oh k

br0kenrabbit says:
As an employee, I know that Valve employees will NEVER contact users over MSN. I also know a valve employee will NEVER ask a user for his/her username and password.

br0kenrabbit says:
I'm putting a temporary hold on your Steam account.

Greg_ValveOLS says:
why?

br0kenrabbit says:
Have you read the ToS?

Greg_ValveOLS says:
Tod?

Greg_ValveOLS says:
tos

br0kenrabbit says:
terms of service

Greg_ValveOLS says:
were?

br0kenrabbit says:
Greg, this is a serious infraction against the Tos. You are at risk of losing your account.

Greg_ValveOLS says:
why

br0kenrabbit says:
I just told you why

Greg_ValveOLS says:


br0kenrabbit says:
I need some information from you if you want me to unlock you account. I'm going to write you up but I will only suspend you account for three days, since this is your first infraction, okay?

Greg_ValveOLS says:
k

br0kenrabbit says:
First, what is the name the account is registered to. Not the user name, the persons real name who created the account. This is for verification purposes.

Greg_ValveOLS says:
xxxxx xxxxxxx

br0kenrabbit says:
Is this you?

Greg_ValveOLS says:
ya

br0kenrabbit says:
Are you the only user of this account?

Greg_ValveOLS says:
ya

br0kenrabbit says:
Okay, and what is the username

Greg_ValveOLS says:
xxxxxxxx

br0kenrabbit says:
Okay.

br0kenrabbit says:
I see you have purchased a few of our games, thank you.

Greg_ValveOLS says:
some. dude

Greg_ValveOLS says:
m

br0kenrabbit says:
Do you always log on from the same IP?

Greg_ValveOLS says:
ya

br0kenrabbit says:
And who is your internet providers, your ISP?

Greg_ValveOLS says:
xxxxxxx

br0kenrabbit says:
Thank you. One moment, please, let me verify this information.

Greg_ValveOLS says:
am i gonna be bale to play 2nite?

br0kenrabbit says:
What is your city of residence?

br0kenrabbit says:
That depends on if you cooperate. You're doing fine so far.

Greg_ValveOLS says:
xxxxxx

br0kenrabbit says:
Illinios?

Greg_ValveOLS says:
yes

br0kenrabbit says:
Okay. And what is the password associated with this account?

Greg_ValveOLS says:
xxxxxxx

br0kenrabbit says:
Okay. Do not try to log into steam. If you are connected now you need to log off.

Greg_ValveOLS says:
why

br0kenrabbit says:
So I can update your account.

Greg_ValveOLS says:
can I play 2 nite

Greg_ValveOLS says:
clan fight

Greg_ValveOLS says:
wont win without me heh

br0kenrabbit says:
Heh. You'll have to wait a few minutes. Are you logged off?

Greg_ValveOLS says:
ya

br0kenrabbit says:
Okay. Give me just a moment.

br0kenrabbit says:
Try to log in now.

Greg_ValveOLS says:
k

Greg_ValveOLS says:
It says login failed wtf wtf!!@?

br0kenrabbit says:
Greg

Greg_ValveOLS says:
did u ban me???????????>WHY

br0kenrabbit says:
Greg

Greg_ValveOLS says:
what

br0kenrabbit says:
Valve will never ask for your username and password.

Greg_ValveOLS says:
what????

br0kenrabbit says:
I don't work for Valve dude, but you just got pwnt.

Greg_ValveOLS says:
omg dude wtf why?

br0kenrabbit says:
Why were you trying to steal my account?

Greg_ValveOLS says:
i wanst

br0kenrabbit says:
Then why were you asking for my information?

Greg_ValveOLS says:
i was just making a joke but not cerious honest dude just give
my acount back pllllleeease i'm only 13 and save d up for like a year to buy it

br0kenrabbit says:
Greg

Greg_ValveOLS says:
dude pleas

Greg_ValveOLS says:
what

br0kenrabbit says:
Go mow some yards, female dog

---------------

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey."

------------------

Now that's a smart blonde:

A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'
The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'
'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.
'Your turn,' says the man.
'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'

----------------

ANTIBODY? - against everyone
ARTERY - the study of fine paintings
ASPHYXIA - get a "Butt Job"
BACTERIA - back door to a cafeteria
BENIGN - what you be after you be eight
BOWEL - letters like a,e,i,o,u
CAESARIAN SECTION - a district in Rome
CARDIOLOGY - advanced study of poker playing
CAT SCAN - searching for lost kitty
CHRONIC - neck of a crow
COMA - punctuation mark
CORTIZONE - area around local courthouse
CYST - short for sister
DIAGNOSIS - person with a slanted nose
DILATE - the late British princess
DISLOCATION - in this place
DUODENUM - couple in jeans
ENEMA - not a friend
FALSE LABOR - pretending to work
FECES - nasty countenance
GALLBLADDER - bladder in a girl
GENES - blue denim
GROIN - to mash to a pulp / smile
HERNIA - she is close by
HYMEN - greeting to several males
IMPOTENT - distinguished, well-known
LABOR PAIN - hurt at work
LACTOSE - person without digits on the foot
LIPOSUCTION - a French kiss
LYMPH - walk unsteadily
MENOPAUSE - I no wait
MICROBES - small dressing gowns
OBESITY - city of Obe
PACEMAKER - winner of Nobel Peace Prize
PROTEIN - in favour of teens
PULSE - grain
PUS - small cat
RED BLOOD COUNT - Dracula
RUPTURE - ecstasy
SECRETION - hiding anything
SEMEN - sailors
SERUM - sailors drink
SUBCUTANEOUS - not cute enough
SUTURE - Gujarati for "what do you want"
TABLET - small table
TESTES - the senses experienced by the tongue
TUMOR - extra pair
ULTRASOUND - radical noise
URINE - opposite of you`re out
VARICOSE - very close
VAS DEFERENS - extremely different
VEIN - at what time?
VITREOUS HUMOR - both witty & funny

[TarekElsakka]

http://inlinethumb09.webshots.com/5128/2244167730098898562S425x425Q85.jpg

----------

AMERICANIZATION
u don't open a telephone conversation with a HELLO but with a "Hi"
The telephone is never "engaged", it's always "busy".
U don't "disconnect" a phone, U simply "hang-up".
U never "mess-up" things, U only "screw them up".
U never have a "residence" tel. no., U have a "home" no.
U don't stop at the "signals", but halt at the "lights".
U don't "accelerate", U "step on the gas".
Your tire never "punctures", U may have a "flat".
The trains have "coaches" or "boggies' no more but "carriages" or "boxes".
There R no "petrol pumps", but "gas stations".
"I don't know nothing", 2 negatives don't make a positive here.
U no longer meet a "wonderful" person, U meet a "cool" guy
U don't pull the switch down to light a bulb,rather flick it up.
There's no "Business Area" only "business districts", and no "districts" but
"counties".
No one stays "a stone's throw away", might"a few blocks away".
There's no "Town Side", it's "Down Town".
In hotel U no longer ask for "bill" and pay by "cheque", rather ask for "check" and
pay with (Dollar) "bill"s.
There R no "soft drinks", only "sodas".
Life's no longer "miserable" it "stinks".
U don't have a "great" time, U have a "ball".
U don't "sweat it out", U "work U'r butt off".
Never "post" a letter, always "mail" it and "glue" the stamps, don't "stick" them.
U no longer live in "flats" or "blocks", find an "apartment".
U don't stand in a "queue", you are in a "line".
U no longer "like" something, U "appreciate" it.
"#" is not "hash", it's "pound".
U R not "deaf", U have "impaired hearing".
U R not "lunatic", U are just "mentally challenged".
U R not "disgusting" U R "sick".
U can't get "surprised" U get "zapped".
U don't "schedule" a meeting, U "skejule" it.
U never "joke", U just "kid".
U never "increase" the pressure, U always "crank" it up.
U never ask for a pencil "rubber" U ask for an eraser. a rubber is a condom
U don't try to find a lift U find an elevator.
U no more ask for a route but for a "RAUT"
U don't ask somebody "How r u ?", U say "What's up dude?"
U never go to see a game U go to watch a game.
If U see "World" champions(or Series),read "USA"champions(or Series).
There's no "zero" but "o", no "Z" but "zee".
There's no FULL STOP after a statement, there's a PERIOD.
If someone gets angry at U, U get "flamed".
You don't say "How do you do", you say "How you doin"
In short U don't speak English, U speak American.
Well u dont' say life is boring u say LIFE SUCKS !!!!

---------

Classic definitions and cool meanings:


1. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.
2. Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.
3. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master
4. Divorce : Future tense of marriage
5. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".

6. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
7. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
8. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power ..
9. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.
10. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.
11. Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
12. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
13. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
14. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
15. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
16. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
18. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
20. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life,to be spoken of when dead.
21. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
22. Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

------------

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her
to bed.

At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 - If you take her to bed, that?It will be a story!!

---------

1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.

11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

15. All single women have a cat.

16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.

27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.

28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps

-------------------

What a woman says:
"This place is a mess!
C'mon, you and I need to clean,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear
if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:
"blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW"

[Divyesh]

Some little funny jokes :

1. Anger management?


Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'

Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'

Husband: 'How does that help?'

Wife: 'I use your toothbrush .'



2. Pass N Fail


Dad : if u pass in exams i will present u 1 Cycle.

Son: If i fail?

Dad: I will present 10 Cycle.

Son: WHY?

Dad: To open Cycle Shop... !!


3. Write 55


A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
teacher: What are you waiting for?
student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!!

4. In Love


Wife: I think our Daughter is in Love with Someone.

Husband: How Do You Know?

Wife: Bcoz She Is Not Asking For Pocket Money..!!

[TarekElsakka]

http://i79.photobucket.com/albums/j151/john2born/Stream_j2b.gif

Questions that have Confused humankind!!

a.. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

a.. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

a.. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

a.. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

a.. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

a.. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

a.. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

a.. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your a$$?

a.. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

a.. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog\s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can't wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?

a.. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out? "

a.. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

--------

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

''I can't do that, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.''

''Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.''

''Alright, we could get a blood sample.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.''

''Fine then, just walk this white line.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm drunk.''

---------------

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My
elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample
and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a
doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began
wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his
wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten
dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

[Tinman]

AMERICANIZATION

That list was kinda ignorant. Maybe best to keep that kind of stuff outta the thread?



--
Mike

[nepty]

haha!!!! :011:evillaugh
its crazy funny!!!!! you guys did well!

[TarekElsakka]

That list was kinda ignorant. Maybe best to keep that kind of stuff outta the thread?



--
Mike

It's all a joke so don't get mad about it. It's not like that's really what Americanization is all about.

[Tinman]

It's all a joke so don't get mad about it. It's not like that's really what Americanization is all about.

So then it's equally funny for an Arabization, Islamization, or Egyptionization list too, right?



--
Mike

[Hondamaker]

You must use a Scottish accent when reading this joke, whether it's out loud or to yourself:

An American is vacationing in Scotland, and stops by a pub in a small, quaint little town. The only people inside are the barkeep, and miserable-looking drunk. The American sits at the bar, near the drunk, and orders a beer. He gets his beer, takes a sip, and the drunk says to him, "See this bar here laddie? I built this bar with my own 2 hands! With my own 2 hands I built this bar! And do ya think when people see me, they say, 'Look, it's MacGregor the bar-builder'? Nah, they don't say that!"
MacGregor sighs, takes a drink, then points out the window and says, "Do ya see that shed out there, laddie? I built that shed with my own 2 hands! With my own 2 hands I built that shed! Do ya think when people see me they say, 'Look, it's MacGregor the shed-builder'? Nah, they don't say that."
He takes another drink of his beer and points out the door, "Do ya see that fence out there, laddie? I built that fence with my own 2 hands! With my own 2 hands I built that fence. In fact, I built all the fences in this town! Do ya think when people see me they say, 'Look, it's MacGregor the fence-builder'? Nah, they don't say that. But f**k just one goat...."

[TarekElsakka]

So then it's equally funny for an Arabization, Islamization, or Egyptionization list too, right?



--
Mike

Except Islamization since Americanization has nothing to do with religion. Right?

[Hondamaker]

Except Islamization since Americanization has nothing to do with religion. Right?

Man, you guys are gonna get this supposedly fun thread locked! You should consider dropping your disagreement. Just my two cents.

[Tinman]

Man, you guys are gonna get this supposedly fun thread locked! You should consider dropping your disagreement. Just my two cents.

I am tired of it being acceptable to slam or joke about Americans, in the world today. That is my strongly held opinion and it will not likely change.





--
Mike

[coasts]

I am tired of it being acceptable to slam or joke about Americans, in the world today. That is my strongly held opinion and it will not likely change.

--
Mike

mike, when was the last time you heard a good Egyptian joke? probably never. there's good reason for that.

[up10ad]

A German, an Englishman, and an Egyptian went to an art museum and were spending some time in front of the painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
After observing the painting for a while an intrigued observer asked the 3 gentlemen where they thought Adam and Eve's origins could be from.
The German said: Look at the perfection of their bodies. She with her slender and well formed figure and he with that athletic body and bulging muscles. There is no doubt they must be of German origin.
Shaking his head in disagreement, the Englishman comments: It can't be! Note the serenity on their faces, their delicate poise, the sobriety in their gestures. They could only be English. After a few more seconds of contemplation and then the Egyptian exclaims: "I do NOT agree with ANY of your theories! Look closer: they don't have clothes, they don't have shoes, & they don't even have shelter. ALL they have is ONE apple to eat and to top it all off it is prohibited! They are sad. They don't protest and they STILL think they are in Paradise!?? They are definitely Egyptians.

[Hondamaker]

I am tired of it being acceptable to slam or joke about Americans, in the world today. That is my strongly held opinion and it will not likely change.





--
MikeDude, I share your opinion, trust me.

[Divyesh]

Father: Doctor! My Son swallowed a key
Doctor: When?
Father: 3 Months Ago
Dr:Wat were u doing till now?
Father: We were using duplicate key.:dft011:wicked_smile

[Hondamaker]

Father: Doctor! My Son swallowed a key
Doctor: When?
Father: 3 Months Ago
Dr:Wat were u doing till now?
Father: We were using duplicate key.:dft011:wicked_smile

I may be dense, but I don't get it.

[TarekElsakka]

I think it means the father didn't/doesn't really care that his son swallowed a key as they had a spare one.

[Napoleon_PhoneApart]

I may be dense, but I don't get it.

Come on, Honda!

[Hondamaker]

Come on, Honda!Maybe I had higher expectations for the humor of the joke. I dunno. Or maybe I we todd did.

[The Apple]

An American, a German, and an Egyptian were riding in a car when they had an accident and were all killed. As they entered the pearly gates of Heaven they were greeted by St. Peter. St. Peter said to the men, "Welcome to Heaven gentlemen. Feel free to do anything you want while you are here. There is only one rule. Don't step on turtles. Of everything that God created, turtles are God's favorite creation." The men went on about their way, admiring all of the beautiful sights. CRUNCH. The American stepped on a turtle. God appeared and said, "He who steps on one of my beloved turtles has to spend eternity with the ugliest person they could ever imagine". Out of nowhere a grotesque woman appears to walk alongside the American forever. After God left them, they continued their walkabout. As they were walking and admiring, the German stepped on a turtle. God appeared. God said to the German, "I have told you all before how I love my turtles!" Suddenly a hideous, short, hairy, woman appeared. The German wept. God left their side. Now the Egyptian surveyed the situation and said, "There is no way I will be able to spend eternity having to see these grotesque, hideous women. I am leaving you guys!!" The two other guys were very understanding knowing how ugly these women were. So they left in the opposite direction. Several hundred years later the two men were walking down the golden road when they saw the Egyptian man walking with Jessica Alba. They wondered in awe, "What in heaven did he do that was so special to be walking with Jessica Alba for eternity?" They rushed to him to ask him what he did, and when they asked Jessica Alba burst into tears and said, "I stepped on a turtle!!":dft011:wicked_smile

[Hondamaker]

Now, my joke was funny as hell. No comments?

[The Apple]

Now, my joke was funny as hell. No comments?

I was afraid that Tarek would be offended by your joke!!:dft011:wicked_smile

[Hondamaker]

I was afraid that Tarek would be offended by your joke!!:dft011:wicked_smile
Haha, unless he is offended by scottish jokes, I think you;re cool. :dft012:wink

[TarekElsakka]

It's all jokes, mate.